Heal the Root: Becoming the One Before You Find the One – An Interview with Joelle Barbarulo

What if the relationships you keep choosing aren’t really your choice at all?

Most of us have been there. The intoxicating chemistry that turns toxic, the partner who feels brand new but somehow eerily familiar, the patterns we swear we’ve outgrown until we’re living them again. In this conversation, Joelle Barbarulo traces a remarkable path from sixteen years in emergency medicine to intuitive relationship coaching, revealing the moment in a hospital corridor that quietly changed everything. But beneath the career pivot is a deeper story. A rebellious soul who survived a devastating divorce, a dark night that nearly ended her life, and the slow, honest work of healing wounds she’d been carrying since childhood.

Whether you’re navigating a breakup, questioning why love keeps landing the same way, or simply wondering what your earliest relationships imprinted on your nervous system, this conversation will meet you where you are and gently ask you to look a little closer at what’s running beneath the surface.

Continue reading or listen in by subscribing for free on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or YouTube.

Did you grow up in a home that had some sort of faith or spiritual experience, or did that come later in life for you?

Joelle Barbarulo: I grew up in a Catholic home. I wouldn’t say it was spiritual as much as it was structured religion. We practiced being Catholic, but as I got older, I stepped away from it and found my own path into spirituality.

What was the turning point for you? As a kid, did you ever question it, or how did that process unfold for you?

Joelle Barbarulo: I come from Italian heritage, so most Italians are brought up Catholic. And I think a lot of the time, we just inherit what we’re taught without really questioning it. But I’ve always been a bit of a rebellious soul—I question things. It just didn’t feel right for me, so I went against the grain. I was a bit of a bull in a china shop.

When I reached a point where I could make my own decisions, I chose not to comply with what felt like a controlling structure. I was looking for something more embodied. That’s when I started stepping onto a spiritual path.

Was there a specific event, speaker, or book that helped you begin that journey?

Joelle Barbarulo: I think even as a child, I always felt like something was missing—something in my soul that wasn’t being fulfilled. Religion wasn’t filling that space.

I’ve always had a very close relationship with Jesus, but on a spiritual level—something deeper. Not from a place of control or being told you’re a sinner, but from a place of love and light.

As I moved through life, especially through trials, pain, and challenges, my spiritual journey really awakened. And I think that’s true for most people—we often find our path through some form of adversity.

Take me through your career. You started in nursing…?

Joelle Barbarulo: I actually didn’t start in nursing. I began my career as a pharmaceutical buyer at a young age and worked in the industry for 13 years. But I always felt called to be a nurse. That healer energy runs in my lineage.

I didn’t go to school right away because I had a young child and responsibilities. But that calling never went away—it kept knocking. So I went back to school in my 30s, became a nurse, and worked in neuroscience and emergency medicine.

What was that transition like? There are so many people who feel that “knocking” but are afraid to leap.

Joelle Barbarulo: Making a decision later in life to go back to school—especially for something like nursing—is intense. It’s like going into boot camp. It’s not easy. You’re dealing with life and death, medicine, and a very demanding program.

But when it’s your purpose, that passion carries you through. I graduated in my late 30s, and it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. It put me on the path of healing.

I started in the hospital, working with physical ailments, but I came to realize that so much of it stems from emotional suppression.

Did you know that at the time, or did that understanding come later?

Joelle Barbarulo: That came over time. I learned that disease often comes from emotional depression, suppression, anger, and stored trauma.

As a nurse, how did you navigate that awareness—the physical versus the emotional side of healing?

Joelle Barbarulo: You’d be surprised how much people open up. Even while you’re doing something routine like starting an IV or drawing blood, patients begin sharing their stories.

That became my favorite part—talking to them, hearing their experiences. And that’s what eventually led me away from bedside nursing and toward a more holistic, emotional approach to healing.

How long were you working in emergency medicine?

Joelle Barbarulo: Altogether, my nursing career was about 16 years.

That’s a significant amount of time. What made you feel like that chapter was complete?

Joelle Barbarulo: The hospital environment started to feel more like a business than a place of care. It became about customer service instead of truly serving patients.

I remember one moment clearly. I had a patient in VTAC—a life-threatening cardiac condition where you have to be fully present, stabilizing them with medications and constant monitoring. And in that moment, a manager stopped me because another patient complained I hadn’t brought them coffee.

That was a turning point for me. I thought, “Am I a server or a nurse?” Because I’ve done both—but which one am I being asked to be right now?

Something in me shifted. I realized there was more to healing than this system allowed. Healing goes deeper—it’s about the soul. That experience ultimately led me to step away from bedside nursing.

What steps did you take to become more aligned with your soul after that?

Joelle Barbarulo: I went through another level of spiritual awakening. Toward the end of my nursing career, I was also going through a very toxic divorce, custody battles, and a lot of emotional pain.

I fell into a deep depression, and there was a moment when I tried to take my own life. But looking back, I don’t see it as a suicide attempt—I see it as a rebirth.

It was a dark night of the soul, on a whole different level. And as you know, we go through many of those. That experience set me on the path I’m on now.

Over the past decade, my soul has guided me through layers of growth and evolution. I became deeply drawn to spirituality, to understanding trauma, and to healing my own wounds. And that ultimately led me to my business.

What did you call your business, and why that name?

Joelle Barbarulo: It’s called Divinity Life Coaching—because it’s all about finding the divine within yourself.

The name actually came to me before the business even existed. I got a tattoo that said “divine feminine” because I had spent so much of my life in masculine energy—working, raising children, always in “go” mode.

I started learning about feminine energy—how that’s where your gifts come from, where you receive guidance, where you connect with God. And from there, the name just made sense. We’re all meant to reconnect with the divine and become one with it.

How has your family responded to all these transitions—from religion to spirituality, from pharmaceuticals to nursing to coaching?

Joelle Barbarulo: I’m what you’d call either the black sheep or the chosen one, depending on how you look at it. I truly believe I’m the one in my lineage meant to break generational patterns.

There hadn’t been anyone in healthcare in my family for generations. But if you go back far enough, there were healers, medicine women—it just got suppressed over time.

Now it’s re-emerging. I became a nurse, my daughter became a nurse, and my niece is studying to be one. That healing lineage is coming back.

As for my family, it’s mixed. We’re not especially close. My mom is supportive, though it’s challenging for her given her Catholic background. But I also believe that souls evolve at different levels. Even though she’s my mother, my soul may simply be at a different stage of evolution.

So they let me walk my own path.

You describe yourself as an intuitive relationship coach. What are the main challenges people come to you with?

Joelle Barbarulo: I work through relationships because it’s the doorway into deeper healing. My work is really about shadow work—helping people find the healer within themselves.

But no one wakes up and says, “I want to heal my childhood wounds today.” So I meet them where they are—usually in relationship struggles.

People come asking, “Why do I keep attracting the same partner?” or “Why do I keep ending up in the same situation?” And the truth is, they’re trauma bonding. Those patterns stem from inner-child or generational wounds—often tied to the mother-father dynamic.

We repeat relationships because we haven’t healed the root. And when people begin to understand that their inner world shapes their outer experiences, everything starts to shift.

When you do the deeper work—understanding your triggers and wounds, and learning to release them—you begin attracting more aligned partners.

This work is personal for me. I’m not just teaching from my nursing background—I’m teaching from lived experience. That’s why I’m so passionate about it.

Relationships affect everything, even your business. If you struggle with self-worth, you won’t be able to fully receive success.

People may not admit it right away, but they keep repeating the same patterns until they heal them at the root. And that’s the key—it’s not just talk therapy. It’s a true transformation.

So what I hear you saying is you’re passionate about relationships, but really you’re passionate about helping people heal. Relationships are just the doorway, because we all want to be loved and to connect. You mentioned trauma bonding—what does that actually mean?

Joelle Barbarulo: Sometimes we think we’re consciously choosing our relationships, but it’s actually our nervous system and subconscious beliefs doing the choosing for us. What feels like intense chemistry can actually be toxicity—because it’s familiar.

If you grew up seeking love from an absent father or a non-nurturing mother, those wounds stay with you. And that’s what trauma bonding is—you’re connecting through wounds. Your wound is attracting their wound, often without you realizing it.

It’s very subconscious until you start becoming aware of who you are, your triggers, your relationship patterns, and your connection to your parents. All of that plays into your adult relationships.

Sometimes you’ll see two adults arguing, but if you could see their souls, it’s really two five-year-olds reacting to unresolved wounds. The good news is—it can be healed. But you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.

Can you give an example of a client—without sharing names—who came to you struggling in relationships, and how you helped them uncover the root of it?

Joelle Barbarulo: I had a client who kept experiencing failed relationships, and it traced back to abandonment wounds and also sexual trauma from childhood. That kind of experience creates a deep sense of unsafety that carries into adult relationships.

The first step is gently going back—without re-traumatizing—to the moment where they first felt unsafe.

Do you do that through meditation, or is it more through conversation?

Joelle Barbarulo: It’s a combination. I use talk-based approaches, but that’s not enough on its own because these emotions are stored in the body.

We start at the root—literally, the root chakra, which is about safety and stability. From there, we use different modalities. That could include Reiki, movement, meditation, and journaling.

Meditation isn’t about stopping your thoughts right away—that’s unrealistic. It’s about learning to sit with yourself instead of suppressing what’s coming up.

Journaling is powerful, too. I call it “brain dumping.” A lot of people resist it because once something is on paper, it feels real. There’s also fear someone might read it. But it’s a way to bring your inner world into the light.

Another practice is writing letters to the person who hurt you—not to send them, but to give your inner child a voice. It helps you reach a place where you can tell yourself, “I’m safe now.”

This is a process. It takes time. I always tell my clients, this isn’t overnight healing. You’ll get out of it what you put into it.

Everyone wants love and intimacy, but intimacy really means into me, you see. And to allow someone to truly see you, you first have to see yourself.

What kind of progress did you see with that client?

Joelle Barbarulo: He worked with me for about three months. I would have loved for him to continue longer, but it’s always a partnership—they have to be as invested as I am.

I did see progress. He started to understand his fears—especially around intimacy. When someone has experienced that kind of trauma, it deeply impacts their ability to feel safe in closeness.

He began recognizing those patterns, which is the first step. But sometimes people can only go as far as they’re ready for. Their soul leads them the rest of the way when the time comes.

Let’s say someone is at the beginning of a new relationship and it feels incredible—chemistry, connection, everything. How do you help them recognize patterns, even when it feels so good?

Joelle Barbarulo: First, I’d ask them—how is this different from your past relationships? Are there any similarities? Any red flags?

I’d also ask what they’re feeling in their body because your body knows before your mind does.

That intense “electric” feeling people describe—it can feel like butterflies and chemistry, but often it’s your nervous system in overdrive responding to something familiar, not necessarily something healthy.

When something is actually safe and healthy, it can feel… calm. And people sometimes interpret that as boring.

When you truly understand yourself—your patterns, your wounds—you start to recognize the difference. Healthy relationships still have chemistry, but it’s not chaotic.

So I tell clients: enjoy it, let it unfold, but don’t dive in headfirst. Take time to know the person beyond physical attraction—on a soul level.

It seems like the sexual aspect of a relationship, especially early on, can cloud judgment. How do you guide clients around that?

Joelle Barbarulo: I often share from my own experience. When sex enters too early, it can absolutely cloud your judgment—especially if you have abandonment wounds. You start attaching through that connection.

It can feel like love, like intimacy, like connection—but there’s so much more happening. You’re creating energetic and emotional ties. You’re even exchanging nervous system responses.

So I usually advise getting to know someone on a deeper level first, especially if you’re looking for a meaningful, aligned relationship.

Of course, people will make their own choices, and sometimes those experiences are part of their learning. But more often than not, those relationships become unhealthy or last longer than they should.

If you’ve just come out of a relationship, it’s also important to take time. Otherwise, you risk bleeding on people who didn’t hurt you.

And the most important relationship—the most secure one—starts with you.

I can understand all of this logically, but it’s much harder to actually live it. After a long relationship, loneliness and the desire for connection can make it really challenging.

Joelle Barbarulo: Absolutely. It’s not easy at all. Loneliness, the desire for physical connection—it’s real.

And I don’t believe we’re meant to be alone. But I do believe there’s value in spending time with yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable.

For me, I took quite a bit of time alone. That was my path—to really get to know myself and align with my purpose. I also believe that if something had come in too soon, it might have distracted me from that path.

Now, I feel grounded in who I am and what I’m here to do. And from that place, I feel open to a relationship—not from need, but from alignment.

The right person doesn’t distract you from your path—they co-create with you.

In your book, Attached to Love, you dive into the different attachment styles. Would you walk us through what they are and how they impact our relationships?

Joelle Barbarulo: Attachment styles often come from childhood wounds.

If you’re avoidant, you crave intimacy, but you also fear it’s going to take away your freedom. So when things get too close, you tend to pull away.

If you’re anxious, you may be carrying an abandonment wound. You constantly need reassurance and need to know that everything is okay, because your nervous system is running the show.

A lot of the time, anxious and avoidant people attract each other. That’s why the relationship can become so difficult—the anxious person is chasing, and the avoidant person is running.

Then there’s disorganized or fearful attachment, which is what I experienced. I was both anxious and avoidant. I would get close, then become fearful that I was going to get hurt or lose my freedom, so I’d pull away. Then the anxiety would come in, and I’d start chasing again.

That pattern comes from both fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy. Often, it connects back to childhood—maybe a father who wasn’t emotionally available, or a mother who was loving but in survival mode, not always emotionally present.

Those experiences leave imprints, and we carry them into our relationships.

You say these are not character defects, but survival mechanisms. Talk to us more about that.

Joelle Barbarulo: Yes, they’re survival mechanisms. We all crave closeness. We’re meant to be in connection and to co-create with another person.

But because of childhood wounds—many of them subconscious—we fall into these patterns and repeat them until one day we realize, “This feels really familiar. Why does this keep happening?”

Maybe you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners. Then, eventually, you start asking, “Is something in me emotionally unavailable, too?”

That’s where the healing begins. When you become familiar with yourself, you realize that like attracts like. And if you’re willing to go down that rabbit hole, you begin to see why you’re attracting these partners.

You start looking at your relationship with your mother, your father, your early experiences, and you realize those imprints are still running your life.

But you can change it. You do that by looking at your patterns, bringing the subconscious into the conscious, and becoming deeply self-aware.

That’s the hard part. A lot of people choose escapism before they choose the deep dive into themselves because the healing journey isn’t easy.

How would you describe a healthy attachment?

Joelle Barbarulo: A healthy attachment is when someone is emotionally available and can hold space for you without becoming codependent.

It’s being secure in your own emotional awareness. You can build a life together, but you don’t lose yourself in each other. You can co-create while still having your own thoughts, needs, and opinions.

No two people are going to agree on everything. But in a healthy relationship, you can speak your truth and be your authentic self without fear of being abandoned or unloved.

So many people hold back because they’re afraid of loss. They overgive, people-please, or try to be agreeable because they believe that’s how they’ll be loved.

When you stop doing those things—and align with someone who can meet you in that same emotional maturity—that can become a very healthy relationship.

I love how you describe attachment patterns as survival mechanisms. When I first learned about anxious attachment, I felt seen, but also embarrassed. I realized how much I was people-pleasing, even in small ways—like pretending to like truffle fries just because my partner liked them.

Joelle Barbarulo: Exactly. That’s being overly agreeable.

This is what I talk about in Unmasking The Soul: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self. We pick up masks because we want to please people, be loved, and be accepted.

And it’s a daily practice. I still have fears and things I work through. Every day is a new learning curve. But that lived experience is what helps me connect with my clients. I can honestly say, “I get it. I’ve done that too.”

Sometimes you look back and think, “I can’t believe the things I did, the people I dated, or how much I over-people-pleased.” But once you understand the pattern, it becomes so clear.

As children, we learn to manage the emotions around us. Even babies pick this up. I have a new grandson, and I can already see him soaking everything in.

From a very young age, we’re subconsciously reading the room, reading our parents’ emotions, and learning how to survive. Maybe you become the funny one and wear the clown mask. Maybe you become the golden child and do everything to please your parents, even if it leads you into a life that isn’t aligned.

Those are the masks we wear. And healing is about learning to take them off so you can live as your authentic soul.

Then, from the beginning, you can say, “I don’t like truffle fries, but I’ll go with you, and I’ll order something else.”

That’s what security looks like—being able to stand in who you are. Because the small red flags at the beginning can later become the Mardi Gras of the relationship.

You have a Secure Attachment Blueprint coaching program with five modules and one-on-one sessions. Can you walk us through the modules?

Joelle Barbarulo: Yes, I created this program, so people have something they can return to for life. You go through the modules on your own, and then we deepen the work together in eight one-on-one sessions. You also get my book and ongoing support throughout the process.

The first module is about naming the wound. We have to identify what’s at the root, because if the root isn’t healed, the tree won’t be stable—and we are the tree.

The second step is about understanding it more deeply and beginning to release it. That takes time, but once you start recognizing your patterns, you bring awareness to what was once unconscious.

The third module is breaking the attachment. But you can’t break a pattern you’re not aware of, and you can’t be aware of it if you haven’t identified the wound. So it’s a very intentional process.

The fourth module focuses on self-worth and self-love. That’s where everything shifts, because we attract from the level of what we believe we deserve. If you don’t feel worthy, you’ll accept less—maybe even just breadcrumbs—because you don’t believe you deserve more.

And the final step is learning to love again—starting with yourself. When you truly value yourself, you’ll choose being alone over being in a relationship that doesn’t align with you.

I always tell my clients this is a journey, not a destination. You’ll become more aware over time. Even in dating, you start to notice things differently. You become more present, more intentional.

The program also includes journal prompts, meditation suggestions, and practices to help you sit with your emotions instead of suppressing them. Because suppression doesn’t disappear—it shows up in the body. That’s where my nursing background comes in. If you don’t process emotions, your body will express them in other ways.

If someone is going through your program and something physical comes up—like stress showing up in the body—do you help with that too?

Joelle Barbarulo: Yes, because there’s often an emotional or energetic component behind it. For example, skin issues can sometimes be connected to anxiety or internal stress.

There’s usually a deeper layer—something the body is trying to communicate. I always look at both the physical and the emotional side of what’s happening.

You’re also moving into speaking. Is that part of expanding this work?

Joelle Barbarulo: Yes, absolutely. I feel like when I step into speaking, the right people—the right souls—will find me.

You’re a very engaging communicator. Does that come naturally to you?

Joelle Barbarulo: Thank you. It didn’t always. I had a fear of visibility, so I’ve had to work through that too.

But that’s the work—we heal our own wounds, and then we step into what we’re meant to do. That’s why I’m so passionate about this. I tell my clients, I’m doing this with you. I’ve been single for a long time, doing the work myself.

You have to become the one before the one aligns with you. When you’re constantly seeking someone else to complete you, that’s when you fall into those trauma bonds.

This work goes to the core. But I approach it through relationships because most people come in through one of three areas: relationships, finances, or health. Those are the biggest pain points.

You’ve written several books—Rebellious Soul, Attached to Love—but your newest one is a children’s book, Nonna Jojo and Levi: The Light Within. What inspired that?

Joelle Barbarulo: It came from my grandson. When I held him as a newborn, I felt this deep soul connection. And I thought—what if we could teach children differently?

What if, instead of growing up with the same core wounds, we taught them presence, grounding, and awareness of the light within them?

That’s what this book is about. It’s about a new generation—a new canvas. We have a chance to break generational patterns and raise children with a deeper sense of connection and self-awareness.

The story is about him and me walking on the beach, and I’m teaching him about being present and connected. It’s very personal. I even got emotional writing it.

It’s probably my favorite book I’ve written. And honestly, becoming an author wasn’t something I ever planned—I’ve now written multiple books and co-authored others. It’s been a beautiful journey.

Where can people find you and learn more about your work, or book a session?

Joelle Barbarulo: You can visit my website at DivinityLifeCoach.com.

On social media, you can find me as Divinity Life Coaching RN on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. I’m pretty much everywhere.

For me, this work is about helping people find love—but real love starts with self-love. When you connect to your true essence and your own worth, that’s when everything begins to shift.

Thank you for sharing your story and your work. This has been such a meaningful conversation.

Joelle Barbarulo: Thank you for having me.