In Between: The Spiritual Beginning of the End and Infinity

The following is an excerpt from the debut book Ascension, shared alongside the author’s reflections and commentary.

Dear Awakened Community,  and now the story begins. Welcome to my special path of spiritual awakening. Thank you so much for being a part of my way. I feel full of love and so grateful for the chance to share some chapters of my debut book, Ascension, with you, you beautiful souls, using the same procedure as last time. You get some original text parts and my comments. So let`s start, dear souls. Ground yourself to planet Earth, open your beautiful hearts, and initiate the opening of your third eye. Let the magic happen.

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It was 2020, one of the more unpleasant years in human history. One of the most unpleasant and at the same time most beautiful in the chronology of myself. On the surface, everything was fine. I was very busy. The three children were of late primary-school and early continuing-school age. My main tasks were the typical ones: Household, rather bad than good, as this was not one of my core competencies. Parenting, in a moderate form with some room for the childlike and youthful free spirit, with intentional, gentle but often also compulsively loud direction. The driving service for the children became a heartily welcomed opportunity for me to escape everyday life and human conversation by listening to epic pieces of music at a high volume and thus achieving a state of romantic rapture completely removed from what is happening on the passenger side, in the rear, and relating to the traffic situation outside the vehicle. Working as a management assistant, thanks to a lucky coincidence, only on a marginal employment basis, with flexible working hours, and within walking distance. The karmic significance of the crazy management connection will be discussed later. But this extremely weird office relationship, for me, was in no way the main reason for the difficult year 2020.

Since the birth of my third child in 2013, I have not been able to let go of the thought of having another child. The more time passed since then, the larger and more desperate my desire became. From month to month, I had hoped to become pregnant again. However, with any apparent signs of pregnancy, I strangely fell into a massive panic, which only lessened after my period started with considerable delay. In the end, I always had to admit to myself that my desire was purely emotional. The confrontation with this actual possibility forced me to realise, on a rational level, that I would not be able to care for and raise a fourth child. So why could I not draw the self-reflective conclusion that this new child was undoubtedly out of the question? This fluctuating mental state between overflowing emotions and the feeling that I still have so much love in me for another child, and on the other hand, the recurring panic of being overburdened by this task, left me in an increasingly extreme state of despair and deep suffering.

To present the situation clearly at this point the following must be stated, which I only fully realised afterwards: The failing appearance of pregnancy was not due to infertility on one side or the other, it was only due to the sole decision of my lover – for the sake of simplicity I will call him the Anunnaki from now on – which was only communicated to me very vaguely or rather not at all. So, the Anunnaki no longer wanted a child. Not at all. Never again. So, we were now in a phase of sporadic physical union that had been going on for seven years, which for him was characterized by the primary intention of preventing another pregnancy at all costs, while I lived in a destructive feeling of permanent hope. I will not judge his motives for refusing another child as bad. On the one hand, he certainly did not want to hurt me. On the other hand, he may not have wanted to completely rule out the possibility of changing his mind.

Today, I also know that we mostly follow our soul plan in every incarnation, and that our fellow players fulfil their roles in tragedy or comedy as agreed before we begin life on Earth. So, the whole thing went exactly as it should have in 2020, and our different attitudes then inevitably led to a long-lasting series of tensions, incomprehension, and seemingly unintelligible aggressive reactions, distancing, and cooling of the relationship. In my search for compensation for my suffering soul, I had indulged in earthly pleasures in absolute accordance with my nature. Chocolates, cake, and alcohol deceptively balanced the sweetness I was missing in my relationship. And this, unfortunately, also, for a very long time. To nearly destroy, furthermore, what I was already lacking during this entire incarnation: my physical self-love.

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That`s it, dear Awakened souls. My massively cruel status quo right before entering my path of spiritual awakening. Looking back, and especially feeling back to this pre-ascension situation, I cannot explain at all how I have been able to go through all of this, how I have been able to endure it all. To get through every dark day of it and survive. Mentally and physically. Now I am so aware of all this: the pre-directed causes and karmic motives. My beloved Higher Self, the Federation of Nine, outplayed the chances, hints, and alerts. These are my amazing, so beautiful soul parts, never leaving me alone at all, always and never-endingly comforting me while breaking down. And this breakdown has been indispensable to entering the awakening process. As we all know. The darkness leads into the light.

Doom Day. Straight to Hell Without Detours.

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The days passed by in a blur. Without any major events. The seemingly normal, happy, and average life of an unremarkable middle-aged woman. Inside me, however, emotional forces of nature were raging at hurricane force, at times replaced by a bottomless and boundless emptiness that left me alone, powerless, and trembling in pain. I had only very rarely confided in one or two friends, even if only on the surface. The Anunnaki was just occasionally confronted with my irrational outbursts or my incomprehensible coldness and distance, depending on the mood of the day. Apart from a few playful and charming attempts on my part to introduce him to the idea of a fourth child, I had avoided a direct conversation with him, fearing the reality I was already unconsciously aware of. Once upon a dark day for me, we both set off for a short weekend break without the children. The Anunnaki was looking forward to a promising time with his devastated wife, drugs, alcohol, and one piece of beef or another. I was at rock bottom: less than a shadow of myself, desperately hoping for sex, and only to increase the likelihood of a pregnancy for the current cycle month. We stayed one night at one of our favorite hotels, but it could have been much better. In fact, the day did not go too wrong at first. We held hands, hung out in cafés, and later bars; it was all very close, very physical, and beautiful. We were drunk, in love, and free. It was always amazing to see how far from everyday life, with children and work, one could change. This harmonious day gave me hope of fulfilling my wishes.

After a rather modest night due to a considerable level of alcohol on both sides, I woke up quite blissful. I opened my eyes to see myself confronted with an immediate dismissive posture from the Anunnaki. His eyes looked at me with a mild smile. I could feel the love in his gaze, but also at the same time the rejection of his body. I was irritated and realised an icy coldness spreading through me. I could feel the darkness, this black avalanche of emotional death that was rolling inexorably and mercilessly towards me. And there was no escape. I could feel that too. The details of the conversation that followed have completely slipped my mind. It was the surreal situation everyone is probably familiar with, which, in the aftermath, seemed almost like a dream, a tragic farce whose only raison d’être seemed to be the fulfillment of a destructive act.

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My beautiful Awakened community, would you like to get a tiny, little future teaser at this so very dark point of my three-dimensional earthly life? Here we go. These weekends of the Anunnaki and me still happen today. The same procedure as every time. But nevertheless, so unbelievably different. As I went through all of this. As we, the Anunnaki and I, went through all of this. What ascended, and nothing less than ascended, is everything and even more all around it. I ascended. He ascended. We ascended. And now experience this beautiful, amazing, and crazily abundant magical life. Nearly not depictable. But you all know what I know. What I try to explain to you. I feel that in our human languages, there is nearly no way to explain it. This higher frequency lets us just be what we authentically are. The love and the light.

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I asked the all-important questions that I had never planned to ask. I asked him why he would not make love to me. His answer was the first of two dagger thrusts right into my infinitely loving heart: Because he did not want me to get pregnant. While my mind completely shut down on an emotional level at that moment, my body rebelled against the sooner or later inevitable unspeakable pain with all the pathologically defined characteristics of a nervous breakdown. Dizzy, almost fainting in a cold sweat, ignoring nausea, stomach pain, and buzzing noises in my head and ears, I asked the second question. Vehemently and mercilessly, I demanded a clear, irrefutable, and therefore final answer, which followed: No, the Annunaki no longer wanted another child with me. Absolutely not.

I cannot remember his choice of words. I cannot remember whether he followed it up with comforting superficialities. I cannot remember whether he hugged me. From this point on, there was only darkness. I felt disembodied in the center of a pitch-black fog with no bottom, no way out, no support, more alone than alone. Void. 

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Until next time, and until to be continued, sending you all my love, Stephanie.

TAKE ACTION: Continue exploring Stephanie Blaum’s work and deepen your connection to the journey of awakening through her book Ascension. Discover more insights and upcoming releases on her website.