My Ayahuasca Journey: Walking Through Hell to Find Heaven Within

Answering the Call

There are moments in life that divide us into two people: who we were before, and who we become after. My two-day ayahuasca retreat was one of those moments.

I arrived carrying years of emotional pain, unanswered questions, grief, shame, and wounds I knew existed but had never fully faced. Part of me was excited. Another part was terrified. Deep inside, however, my soul knew why I was there.

The first ceremony began quietly, but it did not stay quiet for long.

As the medicine began moving through my body, I felt myself being drawn inward. It was as if I was being pulled into the deepest chambers of my own soul. I found myself connecting with my inner child—the younger version of me who had carried so much pain, confusion, and hurt.

My body felt incredibly heavy. At times, it felt as though I was being held down by an invisible force. I could not tell if I was resisting the medicine or if the medicine was helping me surrender. Every emotion I had spent years pushing away seemed to rise to the surface.

I began revisiting painful memories and experiences connected to sexual trauma, unhealthy soul ties, heartbreak, and wounds that had remained buried beneath layers of survival. The emotions were intense. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. The medicine seemed to illuminate every corner of my shadow.

Then came one of the most frightening moments of the night.

I saw what appeared to be a demon.

Fear rushed through me. My heart pounded. Everything within me wanted to escape what I was seeing. Yet as I continued to sit with the experience, something profound happened. I began to understand that what I was seeing was not an external demon. It was a reflection of my own inner darkness.

The demon was my shame.

The demon was my fear.

The demon was the self-judgment I had carried for years.

The demon was every wound that convinced me I was unworthy of love.

What terrified me most was not the vision itself. It was realizing how much of my life had been influenced by these hidden parts of myself.

As the ceremony continued, my body began to purge. I cried. I released. I shook. Memories surfaced. Emotions that had been trapped inside my body for decades seemed to move through me. I experienced what felt like a replaying and releasing of old trauma.

For the first time, I understood that trauma does not only live in our minds. It lives in our bodies.

Every tear felt like a release.

Every purge felt like letting go.

Every moment of discomfort felt like another layer being peeled away.

When the ceremony ended, I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained. I felt as though I had lived a lifetime in a single night.

The Second Ceremony: Surrender and Generational Healing

The next day, I questioned whether I could do it again.

Part of me wanted to leave.

Part of me was afraid.

Part of me wondered if I had already experienced enough.

But beneath all of those fears, I heard something deeper.

My soul was calling me forward.

As the second ceremony approached, I entered with a completely different intention. This time I prayed constantly. I asked God to guide me. I asked for truth. I asked for compassion. I asked for surrender.

Instead of fighting the experience, I softened.

Instead of resisting, I trusted.

Instead of fearing what might come, I placed myself in God’s hands.

The visions that followed changed me forever.

I was shown what felt like four generations of healing. I saw my great-grandmother. I saw my grandmother. I saw my parents. I saw my siblings. I saw myself.

It felt as though I was witnessing the emotional inheritance that had been passed through generations—pain, wounds, fears, survival patterns, and unspoken suffering.

I began to understand that some of the burdens I carried did not begin with me.

I was shown my own childhood wounds and the moments that shaped my life. I revisited the pain of my divorce and the heartbreak that followed. I experienced not only my suffering but also the ripple effects that my struggles had on those I loved.

One of the most emotional moments came when I saw my children.

I witnessed their births.

I felt the overwhelming love I have for them.

Then I saw their pain.

I saw how the divorce had impacted them in ways I had not fully understood. Waves of grief and compassion moved through me. There was no blame, only understanding. Only love.

As the ceremony deepened, my body began experiencing sensations unlike anything I had ever felt before.

At times, I felt completely paralyzed.

I could not move.

I could only pray.

Yet despite the fear, I continued asking God to show me truth through compassion.

As I lay there, I felt what I can only describe as energetic surgery taking place within me. Deep sensations moved through my organs, my chest, my stomach, and throughout my body. It felt as though years of stored pain, grief, and trauma were being uncovered and released.

Whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, something profound was happening.

I surrendered to it completely.

Walking Through Hell

Throughout the ceremony, I could hear the sounds around me.

People crying.

People screaming.

People purging.

People praying.

At first the sounds felt overwhelming. Then something shifted.

I suddenly understood them differently.

The medicine seemed to show me that what we often imagine as hell is not necessarily a place. It is a state of suffering created by emotional suppression, unprocessed grief, anger, shame, regret, addiction, fear, and separation from love.

Listening to the cries around me felt like hearing the collective pain of humanity.

The sounds were heartbreaking.

Yet they were also sacred.

Because healing was happening.

For the first time, I understood that hell can exist within us.

But so can heaven.

The same heart that carries pain can also carry peace.

The same soul that knows suffering can also know love.

The same darkness that hides our wounds can become the doorway to healing.

Finding Heaven Within

As the night continued, I remained in prayer.

I focused on love.

I focused on surrender.

I focused on God.

Then something beautiful happened.

I felt myself rising into an overwhelming sense of light.

My body still felt heavy and immobile, yet my consciousness felt expansive and free. Tears rolled down my face as a profound peace washed over me.

Around my heart, I perceived a radiant white light.

It felt as though I was being surrounded by unconditional love.

Not judgment.

Not punishment.

Not fear.

Only love.

Only compassion.

Only grace.

The peace I felt was unlike anything I had ever experienced.

I found myself filled with compassion—not only for myself but for every soul in that room. Every person was carrying a story. Every person was carrying wounds. Every person was seeking healing.

In that moment, I felt connected to all of humanity.

By the end of the ceremony, I was completely depleted. My body felt weak. My mind was quiet. My spirit felt humbled.

I had entered the retreat hoping to find answers.

Instead, I found surrender.

I entered searching for healing.

Instead, I found acceptance.

I entered carrying shame.

Instead, I found compassion.

My journey taught me that healing is not about becoming someone new. It is about remembering who we are beneath the fear, beneath the trauma, beneath the shame, and beneath the stories we have carried for so long.

The greatest lesson of all was this:

The darkness we fear is often asking to be understood, not destroyed.

And when we meet it with courage, prayer, compassion, and love, we discover that the light was within us all along.

Looking back, the deepest transformation was not the visions, the purging, or even the revelations—it was learning to face myself with honesty and compassion. What began as a journey through pain became a return to self-awareness, acceptance, and love. Healing, I realized, is not the absence of darkness but the willingness to bring light to it, and that light grows stronger each time we choose to truly see ourselves.

TAKE ACTION: If you’re ready to release old wounds and reconnect with your authentic self, Joelle Barbarulo offers compassionate guidance through trauma-informed coaching and healing. Explore her work at DivinityLifeCoach.com.