My Nervous System Was Running on Duct Tape and Caffeine

There was a point in my leadership where everything looked successful on the outside—and felt like a slow internal collapse on the inside. Honestly, I just thought this is how success felt. I mean, I’m working hard—of course I’m going to be tired. But it wasn’t just tired, because even when I slept for 8 hours straight, I woke up exhausted. I was SOUL TIRED.

Clients were supported. Results were delivered. Money was moving.
And I was holding it all together with duct tape, caffeine, and the unspoken agreement that I would be the leader, no matter the cost. After all, people were counting on me. I was finally doing what I came here to do. But, I never really considered that there was another, more aligned way to lead—without feeling like a steaming pile of shit.

If you had asked me then how I was doing, I said, “Good,” “Great,” or some other generic answer that didn’t involve me collapsing on the sidewalk as I confessed how I was wondering if I could keep this up. Nobody wants to hear THAT.

The truth is that I didn’t yet have the language for what I was experiencing. In reality, my nervous system was fried. Not dramatically. I wasn’t like a cartoon character – shooting up to the ceiling when I heard a noise. It was just enough to keep my butthole clenched all the time. Enough that expansion felt heavy instead of exciting. I tried all the things—I rested. I meditated. I ate well. I journaled. I drank the green juice and repeated the affirmations. And none of it worked.

Because the problem was never that I wasn’t doing enough self-care.
The problem was that my leadership was built on over-responsibility. I had learned to lead by holding everything—everyone’s emotions, everyone’s outcomes, everyone’s unspoken expectations. I called it devotion. I called it service. I called it being “high capacity.” I called it “being a heart centered leader.”

My nervous system called bullshit. It sounded the alarms, pulled up the drawbridge & set fire to the village below. 

Here’s what no one tells you once you reach a certain level: burnout at the top doesn’t come from workload. It comes from energetic leakage. From carrying what was never yours. From leading in a way that requires constant internal bracing.

At higher levels, rest doesn’t fix this.
Mindset doesn’t fix this.
Positive thinking definitely doesn’t fix this.

Because you can’t regulate a nervous system that’s being asked to do an impossible job.

What shifted everything for me wasn’t another strategy—it was recalibration.

I stopped asking how to grow and started asking how to lead without losing myself. I learned how to hold others without absorbing them. How to create authority without force. How to expand without repeating the same depletion patterns dressed up as purpose.

At last, leadership stopped feeling like endurance training. My body stopped protesting.
And growth became lighter—not because I was doing less, but because I was no longer leaking energy everywhere.

If any part of this feels uncomfortably familiar—if you’re successful, respected, and quietly exhausted—this work is for you.

TAKE ACTION: Iena works privately and in small-group containers with leaders who are no longer asking how to grow, but how to grow without sacrificing their nervous system & sanity in the process. If you feel the recognition—not urgency, not pressure—you can apply for Expansive Leadership Mentorship or request an invitation to the Expansive Leadership Incubato. If your Soul is screaming “HELL YES!”, apply today.