No One Should Die Alone: Rethinking How We Approach Death and Grief – An Interview with Christine Bailor-Goodlander

The conversation you’ve been avoiding your whole life might be the one that sets you free.

Christine Bailor-Goodlander has spent four decades sitting beside people at the beginning, the middle, and the end of their lives. She started as a registered nurse in 1985, but walked away when the insurance-driven medical world stopped letting her spend real time with her patients. Over the years, she trained as a massage therapist and a Reiki master, opened Body Essential Holistic Wellness Center outside Buffalo, and eventually became an end-of-life doula and grief coach through her practice, Collaborative Growth Coaching. Along the way, she came to believe something simple and fierce. No one should ever have to die alone. 

In this conversation, Christine digs into the parts of death most of us spend our lives avoiding, the anticipatory grief that hits when you watch a parent begin to decline, the invisible date on the bottom of your foot that is not going to change no matter how hard you try not to think about it, and the legacy that has nothing to do with money and everything to do with how you lived.

Whether you are facing a loss right now or simply ready to live more consciously, this one is worth your time.

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What first drew you into nursing, and what did healing look like for you at that stage of your life?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: Well, now everybody knows how old I am. You can’t really hide those things anymore. My mom was a nurse, so I grew up watching her work. She worked in occupational health in factories and similar environments. Nursing felt like something stable—something that would always be there. When you’re young, at least in my generation, you think about what will allow you to build a life, to have a job, and make a living. Nursing was one of those paths.

Healing, at that stage, was very different. It was focused. You’re looking at what’s going on with the patient—the diagnosis, the signs and symptoms, the medications. You’re stabilizing them, managing their care, and trying to get them through so they can go home and live their life. It was very structured compared to what it eventually became for me.

Were you always someone who felt called to be a caregiver, or was it more of a practical career decision?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: I’ve always been a caregiver. Whether it was animals, family, or my grandmother—she lived with us—my life was very family-oriented. It was always about taking care of others. That was just the environment I grew up in, so it felt natural to step into that role professionally as well.

At some point, it sounds like you realized this version of healthcare wasn’t enough. What shifted for you, and what did you do next?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: When I decided to step out of nursing as a traditional practice, it was because I wanted more time with my patients. As healthcare evolved, it became more driven by insurance, staffing changes, and efficiency models. And that was my cue—this isn’t why I became a nurse.

I didn’t become a nurse to have an insurance company dictate how long a patient could stay or what needed to be done by a certain time to avoid financial loss. My focus was always the patient. I wanted to be present with them.

That’s when I started exploring other modalities. I first became a Reiki master. I thought it would be a beautiful addition, and it was, but it didn’t fully align because I still had that medical piece in me. So then I decided to go to massage school. I told my husband, “I think I want to quit my job and go to massage school,” and he said, “Okay, go do it.” He’s always been incredibly supportive. So I did—I went to massage school.

What did that transition look like after massage school? Did you start your own practice?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: I went to school full-time while working full-time, so that was quite the experience. After that, I started my own practice. I was on my own, working out of a small office in a salon. It wasn’t the ideal environment—it wasn’t exactly the setting I envisioned—but it was a starting point. The people were wonderful, but I knew I wanted something more aligned with the kind of work I was doing.

How did you decide which modalities to add to your work over time?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: It really came down to asking, “What does the community need?” Structural integration, for example, is about deep tissue work and helping the body return to its natural alignment.

Oncology massage really called to me. When you work with cancer patients, you realize how much they go through—constant procedures, treatments, and discomfort. Massage offered them something different. It gave them peace. A moment where nothing was being demanded of them, where there was no pain.

I’ve had people say it felt like a small vacation. That kind of experience is incredibly meaningful—to be able to give someone that sense of rest and relief.

What does it feel like for you personally when you’re working with someone in that way?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: When I’m working with someone, I can feel their energy through touch. You begin to sense what their energetic field feels like. And for me, it’s deeply satisfying to help them feel better—to bring them some peace.

There’s also a spiritual element to this kind of work. When you touch someone, you’re sharing energy. There’s no way around it. Even though I don’t always practice Reiki as a standalone treatment, that energetic exchange is always present.

It’s a good feeling. It’s the kind of work where I can go home and say, “I did well today.” There’s good in the world.

Do you experience intuitive guidance when working with people, both physically and in how you communicate with them?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: Yes, absolutely. Once you connect with someone, you start to sense where their body needs attention. People will often say, “You found the exact spot,” or “I didn’t even tell you that was bothering me.”

The hands know what the hands know. You’re guided by that sensation—where to go, what to do. And then you ask questions: “Is this uncomfortable? Have you been having trouble here?” Those conversations naturally guide the session.

When did you begin to notice that healing goes beyond the physical—that emotions and experiences are stored in the body?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: If you’re open to it, you start to see it pretty quickly. The body tells a story. You’ll feel something in the tissue and ask, “What’s going on here?” And sometimes people will share experiences—an accident, a trauma, something from years ago.

When you work with trauma-informed care, you see how the body holds onto those experiences. People may cry during a session, and I always tell them that’s a good thing. It’s an emotional release. Their body is telling them it’s time to let something go.

What led you to expand into coaching and end-of-life care?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: It felt like a natural addition. The idea of becoming an end-of-life doula really came to me during the pandemic. It became so clear how much people needed support. People were dying alone, with families separated from them, saying goodbye through windows. The emotional weight of that was profound.

It also brought me back to a patient I had during the height of the AIDS epidemic. He wanted to go home so badly, but he had no one. So he stayed in the hospital, and because he didn’t need medical intervention, very few people spent time with him. I was working as a discharge planner, and technically, my job was done—but I kept visiting him anyway.

He died alone. And I truly believe no one should die alone.

That experience stayed with me. It’s what drew me into end-of-life work.

How does your work as an end-of-life doula and coach support people and families?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: It’s about helping people navigate anticipatory grief, the moment itself, and what comes after.

There are practical pieces—making sure paperwork is in order, connecting people with funeral directors, attorneys, or physicians. But there’s also the emotional and human side of it. Supporting families through something that is deeply personal and often overwhelming.

My nursing background helps because I’m comfortable communicating with medical professionals. But at the same time, death isn’t just a medical experience—it’s a human one.

And being able to support people through that, in a way that honors both the practical and emotional sides, feels like a natural extension of everything I’ve done.

Why would an individual or family benefit from working with an end-of-life doula or coach?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: Truly, because death is scary for most people. And a lot of people don’t want to talk about it at all. But it’s something that really needs to be talked about, because there are only two guarantees in this life—you’re born, and you will die.

When we avoid the conversation, it leaves many unanswered questions. A lot of open ends. Part of this work is helping the patient and the family begin to talk about those things. What do you want your end of life to look like? Do you want treatments, feeding tubes, fluids—all of those medical decisions?

But also, how do you want to spend your final days? What matters to you? Do you need to mend relationships? Do you want to deepen your spiritual connection? For some people, that becomes very real as they approach the end—this moment of wanting to make things right in their own way.

It also supports the family. It gives them space. Maybe someone can sit with mom so others can step away, get dinner, and rest a little. It’s about offering both practical and emotional support. Ultimately, it gives people the opportunity for closure—without everything being purely medical.

Can you talk about anticipatory grief and what people experience before a loss actually happens?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: It’s not a comfortable feeling. You’re absolutely right. When you start to realize, “One day my parents won’t be here,” there’s a sadness that comes with that. And then the question becomes—what do I do with those feelings?

Where does that grief take me? I have to recognize what’s happening to me—emotionally, spiritually—and begin to process it. “Plan” might not be the right word, but it’s about anticipating what’s coming and asking, where do I place these emotions?

Sometimes it brings up important realizations. Maybe I need to spend more time with them. Maybe I need to have deeper conversations. Maybe there are things that need to be said or healed—old wounds, misunderstandings, moments that created distance.

It’s about creating space to mend those things while you still can. So that when the inevitable happens, there’s more peace on both sides.

How do you approach someone who doesn’t want to talk about death at all?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: A lot of people don’t want to talk about it. And sometimes they feel like if they do, it will somehow make it happen sooner.

I tend to bring a little lightness into it. I’ll say something like, “Well, the invisible date on the bottom of your foot isn’t going to change.” No matter what you say or don’t say, this is part of life.

Usually, that helps people relax a little. They might laugh, but they also recognize the truth in it.

From there, it’s about gently opening the door. “Give it some thought. If you want to talk more, we can.” And if they’re really resistant, then we explore that. Why does this feel so difficult right now? Is it fear? Is it pain? Is it something unresolved?

That’s where the conversation really begins—not forcing it, but creating a safe space for it to unfold.

Do conversations around death need to happen earlier, especially with conditions like dementia or Alzheimer’s?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: Yes—those conversations should happen sooner rather than later. Absolutely. At some point, a person may not be able to communicate their wishes, so it’s important to understand what they want while they still can.

I had a patient—a husband—who developed Alzheimer’s. He came in for a massage, and we would talk. He said, “I have a plan.” His son lived out of state, and he had already decided he would move there and enter a facility that specialized in Alzheimer’s care. His wife would live nearby in her own apartment.

He said, “I don’t want to put her through all of that. I want her to come and be my wife—not my caregiver.”

He knew what was coming and made those decisions in advance. It was such a beautiful, thoughtful act. But not everyone does that. That’s where end-of-life support becomes so important—helping people recognize that these decisions need to be made, written down, and clearly communicated.

Because otherwise, the family is left to figure everything out while they’re already grieving. And that’s a heavy burden to carry.

How do financial realities factor into end-of-life care and support?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: Finances absolutely play a role, and it can look very different depending on the situation. Many doulas work with sliding scales, and sometimes, honestly, you’re just doing it from the heart. You meet someone, feel that connection, and want to support them in whatever way you can.

It’s also about helping families make informed choices. For example, with funeral services, you don’t have to go with the most expensive option. You want someone who will meet you where you are and help you create something meaningful within your means.

I work with a funeral director whom I absolutely love because she always asks, “What do you want?” Not what’s standard, not what’s expected—but what feels right for you. How do you want your life to be honored?

She’ll explore all kinds of options. I joke with my husband that I want a Viking funeral pyre, and she actually told me there’s a place in Denver where that’s possible. It’s about being open to what’s meaningful, not just what’s conventional.

How has working so closely with death shaped the way you live your own life?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: It starts with gratitude. Every morning, before I even get out of bed, I say, “Thank you for letting me open my eyes today.” That’s the first thing.

Then I look at the day ahead—what’s good, what might be challenging, and how I want to move through it. And throughout the day, I come back to gratitude, even for the smallest things.

If I’m having a difficult day, I ask myself, “What made yesterday good, and how can I bring some of that into today?” Or, “What am I learning from this moment?”

Because at some point, I won’t be here anymore either. So I think about legacy—not in terms of money or something big and visible like a building or a statue—but in terms of how I live.

Legacy is what you leave behind in people. It’s how you treated them, what they remember about you, what they carry forward because of you. It’s the impact you had on your children, your family, your community.

It’s the small things. The kindness. The moments. That’s what really lasts.

Are you able to offer end-of-life coaching and support remotely, or is it only in person?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: Yes, we can absolutely offer support remotely. Obviously, bedside presence isn’t possible through Zoom, but the coaching, conversations, and grief work can all be done from anywhere. Technology has really made that accessible.

It’s actually beautiful because you can bring families together who are in different locations. Maybe parents are in one place, and children are across the country—we can all connect, speak with physicians, ask questions, and make decisions together. That part has been incredibly helpful.

How do people typically engage with your services? Is it a one-time session or ongoing support?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: It really depends on what the person needs. If someone is healthy and just wants to get their affairs in order, we might do a short-term plan—organize everything, put it in place, and then they can go live their life and reach out again when needed.

If someone is already in a place where time is more limited, then it becomes more case-by-case. We look at what support is needed and build from there. It’s very individualized.

Can you share more about your healing center and the team you’ve built?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: My center is called Body Essential Holistic Wellness Center. We have a team of seven massage therapists, including me, as well as Reiki masters, aromatherapists, and another end-of-life doula. We also offer yoga and dance classes.

One of our instructors teaches traditional Hindu dance, and another therapist, a professional dancer, offers movement and stretching classes. There’s a strong focus on energy work, and everyone brings something unique. We’ve also had chiropractors and acupuncturists in the past, and we maintain a strong referral network for anything we don’t offer in-house.

How do you balance being a practitioner while also running a full wellness center?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: My practitioners are independent contractors, so they’re responsible for their own work and clients. We operate as a collective under one umbrella, but everyone maintains their own focus. It’s really about collaboration—we support each other while still working independently.

What advice would you give to someone who wants to create a healing center like yours?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: The most important thing is finding the right people. You want practitioners who align with your values and the kind of work you want to create. It becomes like a family.

You also want people who are willing to collaborate and refer to one another. Not someone who tries to hold onto everything and do it all themselves, but someone who understands their strengths and is open to sharing clients when appropriate.

That creates a much healthier, more supportive environment—for both practitioners and clients.

What do you wish you had known before starting your center?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: Honestly, probably everything I just said. It’s a big learning curve. In the beginning, people are excited—they want to be part of something—but over time, you realize that not everyone works well in that kind of collaborative space.

You do encounter people who are more territorial, and that doesn’t work in this kind of environment. It takes time to find the right mix of people who truly want to grow together.

What would you say to someone currently experiencing anticipatory grief?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: In this moment—take a deep breath. A really deep breath.

Then gently look at what’s in front of you. How do you feel about it? Where is this going? And ask yourself if you need support.

Some people are very good at navigating emotions, and some are very good at hiding them. If you’re someone who tends to hide, it’s important to talk to someone. Because those feelings don’t go away—they will show up eventually.

There’s no better time than now to acknowledge what you’re feeling and begin to process it.

If someone is ready to reach out, how can they connect with you?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: They can text me at 716-432-8312—text is best because I don’t usually answer unknown calls. You can also find me at CollaborativeGrowthCoaching.com or on social media. I’m on Facebook, Instagram—everywhere. Just reach out, and we can start a conversation.

Where are you located for in-person services?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: I’m based in Williamsville, New York, just outside of Buffalo. People can come in for massage therapy, coaching, or other services, and we’ll match them with the best practitioner for their needs.

Is there anything we haven’t asked that feels important to share?

Christine Bailor-Goodlander: I think we’ve covered a lot. I would just say this—take time to think about what’s ahead and how you want to live your life.

Even when the end is in sight, life doesn’t stop. You can still experience joy, connection, and meaningful moments. That’s really the goal—to help people continue living fully, even in that season.