The Cost of Being Seen: Why I Had to Choose My Family Over Work

For months, the kitchen table became my office and fourth-grade classroom. It was 2020, and educators across the nation were teaching on Zoom, forced to navigate a whole new technical world.

Every morning, I saw twenty-five faces on my computer screen—that is, if they decided to turn on their cameras. You can only imagine the challenges of getting kids to stay focused and grasp concepts in a virtual setting. I did everything possible to make lessons fun and engaging for these nine-year-olds. Once the school day ended, I made phone calls to parents and tracked down absent students. Then, the painstaking task of creating lessons in Google Slides began.

One night, my husband and sons sat down to dinner, and I continued to work.

“Aren’t you going to eat, Mom?” my oldest asked.

“Not yet,” I mumbled, keeping my eyes on the screen.

They finished dinner, and my husband came over, put his hand on my shoulder, and said, “It’s either them or us.”

That’s when I looked up.

I went to the bathroom and cried. What had become of my life? I was drowning as a teacher, wife, and mother—and worst of all, “teacher” was first on that list. Teaching had unconsciously become my top priority.

Why?

Because suddenly I was under the microscope. I had entered every child’s home, and they had entered mine. Some parents were sitting next to their child during class, watching my every move—or at least it felt that way. My perfectionistic tendencies were bubbling to the surface, and my people-pleasing self was on high alert. It was a matter of survival, according to my central nervous system and memories stored in my body.

If I was seen as a bad teacher, I wouldn’t be accepted; I wouldn’t be part of the tribe. Up until that night, I never felt a threat of my husband leaving me. Where did my loyalty lie? To the kids and their families, or to my own?

That night I chose my family, and in doing so I chose me. I needed a healthy work-life balance, so I began to set boundaries—something else my fawning self was unaccustomed to. I started taking baby steps: closing my laptop to have dinner, or making time to watch a movie with the kids. I chose to look at my trauma responses and the harm they were causing.

Now, I invite you to do the same.

Ask yourself:

• What do I value more: Work or Family?
• If I say “Family,” do my actions back that up?
• If not, what’s getting in my way?
• Am I working overtime because I’m fulfilling a need to be seen and liked?

If you’re stopping to ask yourself these questions, congratulations. Only with awareness can you begin to make different life choices. And you can start small. Celebrate all the little steps along the way. Remember, if you carry these same people-pleasing or perfectionist patterns, you’ve probably been doing this most of your life. It’s what kept you safe and helped you survive. But it no longer serves you, and it doesn’t have to dictate your future.

TAKE ACTION: Are you ready to choose yourself and rewrite these old patterns? Explore how systemic family dynamics shape your current trauma responses through a powerful Family Constellation session with Aileen. Take the first step toward a balanced life by booking a complimentary discovery call, or connect with Aileen on Instagram and Facebook to continue the journey.