The Priceless Gift of Reparenting Ourselves

You’ve done the hard work, and the painful awareness is now front and center. You recognize what your caregivers—often inadvertently—overlooked, and you understand how responses to certain, painful incidences have impacted you for years. But how do we create meaningful change to address the years of unfulfilled needs that continue to affect our adult relationships? How can we reclaim our voice when it comes to expressing our innermost feelings?  Awareness is great but actual change in these long term responses that are rooted way back to our childhoods can feel elusive no matter how much therapy, coaching, self help books and yoga we do.

If you’ve embarked on a healing journey, you’ve likely encountered the concept of reparenting yourself. However, this can often be easier said than done. As a parent or someone close to parents, you understand the demanding nature of the role. It requires immense self-sacrifice, patience, love, compassion, self-discipline, and consistency to truly show up for children and prioritize their best interests. This is why reparenting can feel challenging; it demands the same level of commitment as parenting children. It involves significant effort, and just as we believe our children deserve our best, we must also recognize that we are worth the same dedication in our journey of reparenting ourselves.  In many ways it is even more challenging than parenting our own children because we often have less compassion, patience and understanding for ourselves than we do for our children.

If you find yourself at a turning point, recognizing that your inner child lacks the self-love, self-worth, and radical self-compassion essential for improving your relationships with both yourself and others, and overcoming any behaviors or patterns that may be holding you back from your dreams or keeping you stuck in situations that are making you unhappy, it may be time to commit to a reparenting plan. This journey involves nurturing, caring, loving and placing some loving limits on your inner child. But where do you begin?

We can begin the process of reparenting ourselves by recognizing our needs. What lessons were missing from your childhood? Which emotional needs went unmet? Were you not taught that all of your feelings are valid? While some answers may be clear, others might elude us, revealing what we don’t yet understand. It’s also common to discover further gaps in our emotional upbringing as we delve deeper into the journey of reparenting and enhance our understanding of emotional health and relationships.

Here are some examples of gaps we may become aware of from our childhood along with suggested practices as you reparent yourself:

1. Self Awareness/Expression

Do you struggle to express your needs, desires, feelings, or limits with others? If so, the first step is often to identify these aspects within yourself. You might be surprised at how disconnected you are from recognizing them.

Practice —Set aside five minutes, three times a day, to check in with yourself. What sensations are you experiencing in your body? Can you connect those sensations to specific feelings? Take a moment to sit with those feelings and just allow them to exist. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? What do I want? Are there any boundaries I need to establish for my self-care? By doing this, you are validating your feelings, needs, desires, and limits! Once you become comfortable tuning in, you start practicing expressing yourself to others that feel safest to you. Remember, it’s all about taking baby steps!

2. Self Soothing, Compassion and Care

When do you need to be mindful that it is time to self-soothe?  Do you often experience anxiety, fear, panic, depression?  What does it feel like in your body?  Perhaps you experience shortness of breath, sweating, or an urge for excessive movement in your limbs. Is there a compulsive behavior that arises, such as overeating, shopping, or the desire to withdraw and shut down? Do you find that you often come down on yourself?

Practice – Begin by acknowledging your feelings and recognizing your need for self-care. Place your hand over your heart and affirm, “I am here for you, and you deserve care and comfort.” Repeat this phrase several times, then take a deep breath and reflect on what you truly need. Consider creating a list of comforting activities in advance that you can turn to as you navigate your needs in that moment. Here are some suggestions for self-soothing: a nap, lying sprawled out on your bed while breathing deeply, curling up in a fetal position, enjoying a hot bath, snuggling with a beloved pet or child, lighting candles, or listening to soft music.  Anything thing that works for you!  Remind yourself that you deserve the same compassion that you would give a child or animal because you are worthy.

3. Self-Validation

Do you frequently find yourself doubting your decisions? Do you question whether you should have said or done something differently? Perhaps you catch yourself thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this upset, tired, or stressed right now,” or “Why am I feeling this way?” These thoughts are indications that you may be invalidating your own experiences. This behavior is often learned; many of us are taught by our caregivers and societal norms not to “inconvenience” others with our needs, desires, feelings, or boundaries as children.  As a result, we become adept at suppressing, dissociating from, and avoiding our true needs and feelings.

Practice – Take small steps toward self-validation. When you experience sadness or fear, take a moment to acknowledge your feelings. Remind and tell yourself, “I feel sad right now; it’s okay to feel this way. I’m having a completely normal human experience.” Begin to observe the narratives you create around your needs, desires, emotions, or discomforts. For instance, if you have a strong desire for a special handbag, do you hold a belief that you don’t deserve such things? Or if your family plans an activity you dislike, do you find yourself thinking that you must participate? Pay attention to these narratives and start challenging them. You might say, “Actually, that’s an old story. I do deserve that handbag, and I’m happy to treat myself.” Or, “I’m allowed to pursue my interests while my family enjoys theirs; I can stay true to myself!

4. Boundaries

Do you often find yourself feeling resentful towards others? Struggling to say no? Do you hesitate to express your needs, wants, feelings, and boundaries in certain relationships for fear of sparking conflict? From a young age, our culture teaches us to remain silent to avoid consequences within our families or social circles. This can lead to feeling shamed—sometimes unintentionally—for holding ideas, opinions, and feelings that differ from those around us. As a result, many of us learn not to fully express our truth and express our needs, wants, feelings and limits to others.

Practice – If you’re not accustomed to expressing your needs, wants, feelings, and limits, establishing boundaries can feel challenging. Start by observing and journaling about the specific people and situations where you wish to communicate your needs. This exercise is for you, so be open and honest! Once you’ve noted your thoughts, revisit them and consider how it might feel to express those needs. You might find it helpful to soften your approach. Prioritize your list and aim to set just one boundary you’ve previously found difficult to establish. Start small!  For instance, if your partner enjoys ordering Chinese take-out every Friday night but you’re tired of it, don’t hesitate to speak up. In a kind manner, express that you’d love to try pizza this Friday instead, and ask for his support in doing so.  Baby steps!

The process of reparenting enables us to gradually transform our invalidating, critical, and harsh self-talk into supportive, validating, loving and nurturing internal dialogue. It offers us the chance to become the parent we truly needed as children.  Even if we had loving parents, many of us may have unknowingly faced emotional invalidation or neglect. Imagine having a kind, loving, and attentive parent who wholeheartedly supports and welcomes your thoughts, opinions, needs, desires, ideas, and feelings, no matter what! That is the nurturing figure you can embody for yourself. It might feel awkward or unfamiliar to give yourself that kind of attention, care, and support, especially if you’re not used to it—and that’s perfectly okay! It takes practice to accept this kind of love and validation, but by committing to the journey of reparenting, the rewards you gain will be priceless.

TAKE ACTION: To learn how somatic coaching can help you in the reparenting process, let’s set up a time to connect.