Three Ways We Learn to Disconnect from Ourselves and How to Begin Reversing Them

Many of us progress through life seemingly fine, until we suddenly feel stuck, unhappy, depressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, among other emotions, and can’t find a way out. Upon reflection, we might discover that we are really not in touch with our feelings, needs, and desires, realizing that we don’t truly know ourselves—we are disconnected from our true selves.

Realizing that we don’t truly know ourselves—our likes, desires, what excites us, or where our passions lie—can be a hard pill to swallow. This lack of self-awareness can be confusing and can make us feel as if something is wrong with us or like we are lacking something. However, this isn’t true! Generally, it is more often the case that we were not taught to connect with our authentic selves while we were growing up.

For those who feel disconnected from their authentic selves, it can be quite confusing, especially if we believe our upbringing was fairly positive. Even in loving households with responsible parents, we may not have been encouraged to fully connect with our true selves. Parents who were not taught to engage with their own feelings, desires, needs, and passions—unless those passions mirrored their parents’—cannot impart this to their children. If this resonates with you, don’t worry; you can learn to do this as an adult!

Curious if this applies to you? Here are three signs that suggest you may have grown up in an environment that didn’t nurture your ability to connect with your emotions, needs, desires, and passions, making it challenging to engage with your true self authentically.

1. Being Told While Never Being Asked

Our culture is deeply rooted in hierarchy. Whether it’s capitalism, government, or healthcare systems, they all rely on a structure where some rise to the top while others remain at the bottom. This dynamic places individuals in positions of power or leaves them powerless, creates disparities between the wealthiest and the poorest, and establishes ideals of physical beauty that marginalize others. Expertise is valued, while alternative opinions are often dismissed. These hierarchical principles are ingrained in our cultural DNA.

This cultural DNA can also create a hierarchy within our homes. Well-intentioned parents might inadvertently adopt this hierarchical approach in their parenting. In this style, caregivers often provide advice and input without first considering the child’s opinions, feelings, or ideas. Although parents often mean well, by failing to inquire about their child’s emotions, desires, and opinions, they miss the opportunity to help their child develop a sense of self-awareness regarding their feelings, needs, desires and passions. As the child matures, the parent may persist in this behavior, frequently offering unsolicited advice and commenting on their adult child’s life without first understanding their perspective.

There are many ways you can start reparenting yourself.  By making it a priority to ask yourself how you feel, what you want, what makes you excited, what you value, you will begin to connect with your needs, wants, feelings and passions at a much deeper level.  Practices like body scans in somatic work can help you connect with your body, where your true subconscious resides, allowing for a more authentic connection with yourself.

2. Focus on Image

A recurring theme in our culture, often ingrained in many households, is the concept of image. The notion that “image is everything” permeates business, media, and entertainment. Historically, our culture has been deeply committed to concealing anything deemed “shameful.” Although I believe improvements are underway, if you’re an adult reading this, you’ve likely encountered some form of this shame-based mindset. Many families are so invested in maintaining their image that they prioritize appearances, concealing anything that might tarnish the family’s reputation.

Children raised in image-focused family systems often lack the opportunity to be truly honest about their identities, preferences, emotions, and needs if these aspects don’t align with the family’s image. When they do express these “misalignments” in such environments, they are frequently invalidated and may face shame, anger, or dismissal. This experience teaches them to suppress their genuine needs, desires, feelings, values, and passions, ultimately leading to a disconnection from their true selves.

Engaging in somatic practices can help address any feelings of shame associated with aspects of yourself deemed unworthy in a hyper-image-focused upbringing. Seeking guidance from a professional is highly recommended.

3. Gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” comes from the play “Gas Light” by Patrick Hamilton which was later made into a Film. In the play and film, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind. He does this by dimming the gas lights in their home when she is alone, and then denying that the lights changed when she points it out.

Gaslighting is a subtle foe.  Here are some examples of what gaslighting can look like in the family:

You may remember something that is uncomfortable for those around you and it is met with:  “that never happened!”

You may be experiencing a feeling about something somebody said or did and that family member is uncomfortable with you having your feelings.  It may be met with something like:  “you are so sensitive!”  or “don’t be so dramatic!”

Somebody in your family violates your privacy and you get angry.  They may react with: “you shouldn’t feel that way!”

A family member says something hurtful in a sarcastic way that they think is funny and you let them know if hurt your feelings.  They may say: “that wasn’t hurtful!  It was a joke!”

If there was a lot of gaslighting going on in your home growing up, you learned pretty early on that you can’t trust yourself and that what you think is real may not be.  If we can’t fully trust ourselves, we end up in a lot of self-doubt and uncertainty around what we want, need and feel.

You can slowly start challenging your self doubt.  You can be the adult now who is to be trusted.  Keep letting yourself know that you are capable and that you KNOW what is true for you.  Working with a Coach or Therapist can really help you to overcome gaslighting.

If you feel disconnected from yourself and uncertain about your desires, needs, feelings, and passions, you might not have learned to connect with your true self during childhood. Often, well-meaning parents may have encouraged you to suppress your authentic self if it didn’t align with the family dynamics.

This can be reversed! Through somatic work, therapy, and reframing techniques, transformation is possible. It requires effort, but remember, my friend, you are worth it!

TAKE ACTION: If you’re looking for support as you navigate your emotions and relationships, let’s set up a time to connect.