What If Your Struggles Hold the Key to Your Power?

It was destroying my marriage.

There I would go again with my partner—totally shut down, pulled away, numb—pretending I didn’t have thoughts, wants, or, God forbid, needs. It took days, sometimes, to emerge from my shell and recover from the internal emotional implosion that almost always followed a disagreement. Or, if I’m brutally honest, sometimes it didn’t even take a disagreement as a certain tone, gesture or look would collapse me. Within seconds, I would freeze over, walk away, and go mute. It didn’t feel like a conscious decision that I made, it was like I was literally unable to speak.

Or there I would be in a crowd, subtly (or not so subtly) trying to prove I was credible, worthy of belonging, and earning my place in the group. It was cringy. Yet, on some level, it felt like my existence rested on whether people saw me as valuable. I’d insert a proud story, challenge someone’s viewpoint, or mention something I knew about to try and contribute. But without a fancy or impressive background (quite the opposite, actually), my words often fell flat. 

I had spent years, frustrated and discouraged, trying to figure myself out. Therapy never worked because well-meaning clinicians either just let me ramble on about it, or told me to take opposite actions or even try positive thinking, which felt like slapping a Band-Aid on something much deeper. Self-help books didn’t help me get below the surface and speak the language of my defended soul. Friends had great thoughts and advice, but none of it led me back to the places within me that needed help.

What did stick with me, though, were labels and concepts of stonewalling, being cold, unapproachable, stubborn, or distant. Depending on the setting, I was also boastful, trying too hard, or performative.

I hated how I kept showing up in these predictable ways. For so long, I believed it was simply part of my personality and therefore unchangeable. It was so natural, so automatic, so me. Or so I thought.

But if it was just who I was, why did it unsettle me so much? Why did I feel like a prisoner to my reactions? Why couldn’t I stay engaged with my partner or relax around my friends? And if this was truly me, why was it hurting my relationships?

The Awakening: My Coping Strategies Weren’t Actually Me

It wasn’t until my early 40s when I was introduced to parts work, that I had a profound realization:

My patterns of trying to cope with overwhelming situations weren’t my personality. They were simply the strategies my inner child came up with to help me stay emotionally safe.

As a young girl, I experienced the sudden, tragic loss of my older brother. In the wake of my parents’ overwhelming grief, they weren’t able to care for me and my emotional needs. I was neglected—not intentionally, but completely (read more about emotional neglect here). I quickly learned to stuff away every single need, want, thought, and desire because if the people who love me most can’t be here for me, then it must mean I was too much.

At just 10 years old, I made an unconscious vow: “I will never need anything from anyone ever again.”

So, I went quiet. I disappeared. This splitting off from my true self was agonizing. I was grieving not just the loss of my brother and what my family once was, but also the loss of my place in the world. I wasn’t equipped to handle the psychological fracture that this caused in my mind. So, my subconscious found a way to cope with this by withdrawing deeply into a place where I could stay as far away from pain as possible.

But something else happened, too. I realized that when I did something well, I caught my parents’ gaze. And just like that, another unconscious vow was formed: “If I can prove I’m worthy, then my parents notice me and I am okay.“

Based on these two vows, I developed ways to still interact and maintain a connection to those I loved. I first learned to protect myself by putting my voice in a box and not requiring anything from my parents. Then I learned how to prove I was still worthy by doing things that made them smile. These strategies became patterns that were originally designed to help me as a child, ended up embedded into my existing and became my default behaviors for decades.

Do you see how this works? How, from such a young age, do we find ways to ensure we remain attached to those we depend on—at any cost?

Your Struggles Hold the Key to Your Power

When I finally saw my own origin story for what it was, it changed everything.

In light of this profound awareness, an ocean of energy moved through me. My once-destructive patterns began to dissolve—not because I fought against them or swung the pendulum to try and force myself into worthiness, but because I now understood them. And with this understanding came a generous opportunity for self-compassion and grace. I now held the key to my transformation: the ability to rescue, reclaim, and re-parent my younger self who was so alone and overwhelmed in her circumstances and was just doing her very best.

After working with my inner child and with the energy of my highest Self, I have shifted these patterns and unleashed a far more authentic way of living and showing up in my life. Now, when my partner and I argue? Instead of shutting down, I can lovingly acknowledge the little girl inside of me, remind her she is safe and loved, and actually stay calmly engaged in the conversation. Or if she does get triggered, I can name what is happening out loud to my partner, ask for a minute to settle, and then re-engage when I am ready. The quality of our relationship has dramatically improved.

And at the table in social situations? I no longer feel the pressure to prove anything for a sense of connection or emotional safety. I can sit back, relax, and enjoy simply being me as a more quiet observer. No performance, no proving, no pressure. Just ease.

This realization—that my patterns weren’t my personality, but my inner child’s attempts to secure safety—was a game-changer.

And, if you can relate in your way, I want you to hear this:

There is nothing wrong with you, either.

Your patterns—the things you keep doing, even though you don’t want to—aren’t proof of your flaws. They are proof of how resilient you were as a child. You found ways to keep yourself safe, to keep yourself attached, to make sense of a world that wasn’t always kind (this article published on Healthline is a great introduction to inner child work).

But here’s the thing: what once protected you may now be keeping you stuck. Like for me.

So I’d love to ask you:

Do you ever find that you…

• People-please?
• Have perfectionist tendencies?
• Want to fix or rescue others?
• Try to perform to prove your worth?

These are just a few ways we learn to cope. But coping is not living, my friend!

TAKE ACTION: If you’re ready to break the cycle and step into who you truly are—your whole, radiant, powerful self—Here’s a free guide to help you not only identify your coping strategies but practice shifting them as well.

The bottom line? There is so much untapped power and natural radiance within you when you can acknowledge your patterns for their origin story, validate them, and choose a new way forward.

You can Root Down and Rise.